World Mess Association: 2009

Fashion Awards

Being the right color is still the most important talent when blacks get awards who used to be for whites.

Anti-aircraft, tanks, armed forces, jet bombers, nearly the entire police force and the secret service are all giving Nobel Peace Prize winner Barack Obama a nice warm war welcome when he come to pick up his award. Word has it it would be cheaper to just fax it over than spend hundred millions of dollars to make sure nothing happens when he recieves the 1.3 million dollar cash prize.

Go Tiger

The world is in frenzy after Tiger Woods sexual sidesteps from his swedish wife. What do expect? He`s a tiger! Read the whole story in How Tiger does it, mistress edition.

WPS

Web Positioning Systems is an Internet Navigation System for target surfing. Just dial the web address and it shows you where the server and user are located. The product is not yet for sale, but has been around in government circles for some time. Sources within the hacking community say they might actually turn off their pc`s for a change and see what life`s like outside the screen.

Electric University

Electric university is the first virtual university in the world. The air university is the hottest in online education and offers bachelor programs in surfing, time waste, gaming, concentration problems and internet porn.

Mugbook

Facebook`s crime edition Mugbook is the largest criminal network in the world. More than 35 million thugs around the world use Mugbook to share their criminal activities. Mugbook give thiefs the tools to steal and make the world more closed and disconnected. They mostly use it to seek out victims or play games like mob wars.

Capitalism vs Communism

The advantage with capitalism compared to communism is that the unemployed can choose between poverty and homelessness, whereas communism didn`t allow that freedom.

World`s Most Deadly Book

Karl Marx`s The Communist Manifesto from 1848 is the world's most deadly book. 100 million people died in the human adaption and still counting in the Russian and Chinese translations.

Mental Images

Putin is the hottest enemy brand in western media today, closely followed by crazy Muslims and big scary China. Putin is invaluable to us says editor in fear in The End Of The World, nothing sells news like him. Not even Berlusconi has a chance next to Russias Primeminister, he actually frightens people. Putin has been our best investment since Saddam, and he was just a joke in comparison.

BBC Innerseas

Residents in Greater London prefers BBC Africa and BBC Asia for news updates. They don`t see the point watching the British edition since they don`t speak the local language. Besides, what does those news got to do with them anyway.

Celebrity Shopper

Celebrity Shopper is a new reality show where an arrogant pompous ass of a celebrity see how far they can push the shop assistants before they fucking loose it. All of the approached celebrities who has a reputation of acting like an ass in real life said no to guest star, ironically all the well behaved onces said yes. For this reason the production company had to cut down from 24 to 6 episodes due to lack of talent.

Thought Relaxer

The new thought relaxer pill Forgett It from Medicash is being launched on the brain market and is expected to very well among religious circles, drug addicts, stressed workers and wanna believers.

LA Bum

Are you dreaming of becoming one of Los Angeles 90 000 homeless? Do you wanna smell like shit and walk arround with all of your belongings in a shopping trolley while others drive by and spit on ya. Then join the U.S. Army cause we need your help in Iraq. Call 1-800 Waste-Your-Life or check out more at itsnotworthit.com

Nissan Sutra

The little tight car from Japan have totally different driving functions than normal cars. With it`s 5 seats it got room for more than 800 positions. It comes with auto driver, the so called LD gear, Love Gear where an automatic driver takes over. It`s not about the milage or how fast you can go, but quality. A little trip can take up to five sixs hours. It`S a totally different driving experience.

Tragic Hours

To keep customers in line after the financial meltdown, pubs introduce tragic hours. With half price for suicidals and free drinks after your dead pubs around the world hope people will continue too waste the money they really never had in the first place.

Nuclear`s Eve

Iran is building power plant in their preparation to celebrate Nuclear`s Eve. Both North Korea and Pakistan are eager to the atomic party and can`t wait to send up the nuclear firework. The United Nations is doing all it can to cancel the party. So far, none of the Religious Nations has understood that they will be deleted from the world party map if they do as much as send out an invitations.

-I Want The Peace Prize Too

The Canadian primeminister Unn Knownson announced he wants the Nobels Peace prize too. He says he makes the same kind of plans to save the world every time he goes to the hair dresser. The Italian priminister Silvio Berlusconi says he`s fine with Obama winning cause he already got one. When asked when he was awarded this prestigious honour he re-fraised his answear to he should have got one. But since the Nobel Institute is in Norway, there`s little he can do about it. Rumors has it a letter has been sent by a team of lawyers informing the Nobel committee that they will be sued for not awarding the Italian. However, he is said to be willing to drop the charges if Obama looses the war in Afganistan.

Slum Games

Rio de Janeiro is to hold the Olympic games in 2016. Pelé thanks God they got 7 years to clean up cause their really gonna need it. Wether or not their use bullets this time is undecided. It has earlier shown to be quite an effective cleaning detergent, but with the whole world looking their way, it might be wiser to build some schools instead.

Associated Mess

The essentional global mess network is the backbone of the world's disinformation system serving thousands of daily newspaper, radio, television and online customers with lies in all media and bullshit in all formats. It is the largest and oldest distraction organization in the world, serving as an reliable source of gossip, staged photos, manipulated graphics, audio and sex video.

AM's mission is to be the essential global american "news" network, providing distinctive infotainment services of the hottest quality, unreliability and unobjectivity with reports that are wrong, unbalanced and uninformed. AM operates as a money talks cooperative with more than 400,000 informers working worldwide. AM is owned by the U.S. Millitary Intelligence. They elect a board of director that directs the showcase.

Terrorist Harassment Program

Department of Homeland Insecuity is starting a Terrorist Harassment Program. The millitary courts was a win-win situation, but in the civil courts they might loose against the terrorist suspects, that`s why they open up for terror to make sure they win the war on terror.

Terrorinsurance

Global Safety offer their customers terrorinsurance. If you where to blow up in a shopping centre, a trains station or simply when your watching the news in your own living room your close onces wount suffer any loss. On the condition its fundamentalistic fundamentalists behind. The insurance doesn`t cover christianfundamentalistic terrorism or sect or weird political terrorist attacks.

Full comprehensive terror insurance costs 25 thousand dollars a year. An additional 100.000 dollars pr day for recidents within the USA, Great Britan, Bali and Spain. 50.000 dollars extra for the rest of Europe and 5 million dollars a day for the middle east. sahara desert and the North Pole is not covered by the insurance, There you have to travel at your own bomb risk.

A 15% discount is offered if you stay inside your house for the rest of your life and watch television.

Forbidden Windows

Windows 7 is available in Chinese resteal stores for 0 dollars.

Out Of Body Reply

Hi!

Thank you for your email. I was smoking some serious hash this weekend so I won`t be back at the corner until Wednesday.

In desperate matters, please contact smileyboy (KeepitFake@sleepliving.com)

Johnny Stoner
Chief Sales Manager
Cannabis Connection

Pre-Mistake

Pre-Mistake is a space surveillance system controlling the surveillance systems on earth. Their mission is to seek out trigger happy troubblemakers and take action before they make mistakes. Pre-Mistake has had a lot to do after 9/11. Newer in the world would they think the power that be would screw up more than the people they lead.

ADHD Ready

ADHD ready concerns the abilities of television receivers to display hyper-activity pictures.

European American

Most European Americans are the direct descendants of starving Europeans.

In Europe the term Euro-Americans are referred to Europeans who watch a lot of US tv-series and adapt the characters behavior. On the other hand American Europeans, or McEuros, mean oversized tourist from the States acting like they own the place.

Monopoly Cayman Island

The new tax paradise board game is a huge hit on Wall Steet. The value is skyrocketing on stock exchanges world wide except in the Middle East, where RISK is most popular.

Circusmuslims

The traveling bomb company Bang Brothers with their explosive makers, iBombers, 72 female and millions of male virgins, brains washers, women beaters and cave men are coming to Europe on their world dynamite tour. First stop is London. The Circusmuslims are praying for big crowds when they enter the scene. The act is mindblowing and promotes zero tollerance. Fundamentalistic Muslims groups claims the responsobility for the arrangements and promise they will go on stage with a big bang.

The Lost Silence

The Noise Book Publishing House releases the noise book the lost silence these days. The story takes place in Stereo City and as the tittle suggests it`s about the the lost silence. The book plays over 74 minutes, the same lengths as a cd. It`s a tale with a lot of noise and disturbing sounds. Perfect for anyone wanting a headache.

Fuckbook

Fuckbook is social netshagging website where you can communicate your fuckbudies. The sexual intercourse society has about 100 million partners worldwide, making it the biggest gangbang ever. Fuckbook has also been banned at many work places to discourage employees from making out during work hours.

Racism Live On

Racism live on, despite Obamas move into the White House. Leader of the Ku Klux Klan United in Oklahoma says "We like to think of Obama as an exception, he is clearly a white man born with a dark mans skin, so we feel for him, we even voted for him, but does that change anything? No. I`d newer let any of those niggers into my house, they can cut the lawn, if they get any closer than that, if I see a chocolate monkey getting close to my daughter I`ll get my shootgun".

Explosive Refugees

An airplane full of Somalian refugees crashed in Club Europe. The plane exploded before hitting the ground leaving speculations wether the milliary where involved. The plane exploded again as it smashed into a cornfiled, two minutes later it exploded another time taking out the entire cornfield. Withnesses say there where popcorn everywhere. A spokesperson from the European immigration luckily says "Thank God they got killed in the explotion, then we don`t have to do it".

How Did The Egyptians Build The Pyramids?

Their layed one stone on top of another stone. How can such a simple building process turn into such a huge mystery? If they saw any of our monuments and tried to figure out how we build them using their construction knowledge, now that would be a riddle.

The Land Of The Manipulated

The american national anthem is ready for an upgrade. Considering what they have done lately, The Star-Spangled Banner should be renamed The Lie-Spangled Banner.

War on War

The race to push the button is a competition between armies and terrorist networks to see who got the balls to blow up the world first. USA has been in the forefront since 1945. They nearly won in 1962 when the rival Soviet Union tried to take over their lead under the Cuban missile crisis. Other runner ups are Nazi Germany and their attempt at building the Third Reich and the British Empire back in the days when it truly was an empire.

Is There Intelligent Life On Earth?

No evidence of such is found so far but statistically there should be some.

Your Worst Interest At Heart

Speaking of tamiflu. A vaccine is a biological overreaction that deproves immunity to a non threatening disease, gives a fake feeling of safety and deliver huge piles of cash to the boardroom.

Fake Love

The new online dating sevice fake love help singles find their perfect fraud. With the help of fake profiles fake love you find the worst possible match. If your looking for a thief, money sucker or simply an immigration law suite, join the community of reality personalities. The majority of the members are not educated and live in bad areas.

Word War

United Friends attacks common sense with new words of wrong definition to make the horror of war disappear. The word bites are:

love war
pal killing
unatural explotions
guest slaughtering
present wound
sleepover attacks
hollyday bombings
picknick battle
& party fire

Planet of Crisis

There are so many crisises in the world we need more planets to house them all.

Electronic StupidFighters

Cyber warfare is the new hot for warmonger around the world. They view the internet as an electronic battlefield where the fight between good and ego takes place. Delusioned by a life spent in front of a computer, they try to take over the world. Nobody knows how much they will conquer, but hopefully enough to move out of their childhood bedroom.

Web War 2

The internet is the new playground for the masters of destruction in their search for chaos. And taking down Google must be considered the ultimate Hitler job. Facebook or Twitter might make you a Mao or a Stalin, but nothing beats beating the biggest beast Hitler style.

World Wide Wagina

WWW, also known as the world wide web, is the largest pussy in the world.

Dream Tanks

Think tanks should change name to dream tanks as most of the tank thoughs are made in such an artificial environment they rarely make sence to those outside the tank.

Airhuman

Half a million people circle around earth in airplanes at any given time. Since there are already enough humans on the planet there is really no need for these people to come down again.

Playgook

Chinese men find the American edition of Playboy weird. To them it looks like a mountain magazine with flat eyes. However the Chinese edition is expected to be a major hit among China`s enormous population of single men. Hugh Hefner thanks the one child policy for making his possibly. And like a lot of older men his age, he`s swopping the white company on his mansion for younger yellow.

Bunnies Jump off the Playboy Farm

The Playboy Bunnies are leaving Hugh Hefner. He is loosing money and without the money he is just an 83 years old man.

Circle of Lie

The media doesn`t trust the politicians, the people doesn`t trust the media and the politicians doesn`t trust the people.

Bulletproof Dress

Giorgio Armani designes a bulletproof dress collection. Bloodstains has become such a huge problem in the underworld that the designer saw it necessary to make the suites of out kevlar in order to stop this childish messing of clothes.

Gay Light

The new men's cologne gay light is a new fragrance for heterosexual gay men who look, like and fuck like women.

Worst Western

Worst Western Hotels opens in Afghanistan. The rooms are rented at own risk with 100% discount if you die.

MacCrazy

Apple lauches a new 3G S phone for skitzofrenicks called iiPhone.

Hall of Shame

Hall of shame dishonors individuals of noteworthy achievements in folish behavior. The exhibition is distasteful, disgraceful and embarrassing.

Black Apartheid

The self segregating black minortity party ANC has controlled the vastly larger black majority and the smaler white elite for some time now. Black racism has enabled ANC to enjoy an even higher standard of living than the white apartheid rulers. They praise all the help it has got from a world blinded by it`s white history. Never before in history has a fascist tyranny been replaced smoother by another fascist tyranny.

Got Herpes From Chat Room

Exactly how this happened has not been confirmed. However, rumors has it the guy got infected when he videokissed the girl on a public computer.

Debt VISA

VISA is introducing a new debt card for poor people. This card gives them access to all the goods, services and pleasures which people around them take for granted, in return for eternal debt. The card will also available for the mentally handicapped.

Swine Virus on PC

Your pc can now be infected by the swine virus. The World Computer Organization warns a world wide pcmic. The anti virus program Fearmaker has been developed as an antidote to the desease. It`s the number one hit on the global top 100 list. Selling more copies than Michael Jackson, Madonna, U2, The Beatles and Elivis together.

Europa`s Las Vegas

Amsterdam is the number one holiday destination for European police officers, lawyers, prison guards and judges. When asked what the big attraction is they all answer the law.

Drug Olympics

We already got Paraolympics. It should be one for the drug users aswell.

North Koran

North Korea strongly denies the allegations of copied ideas from the Koran and founding their own country on these stolen values. The Islamic world is suing North Korea for copyright fraud . "It`s our thoughts, we wrote that shit, we want our money". To prove their case they claim, "well, you just have to look at how fucked up it is. No other thought system can do that these days...".

Organic Islam

Islam Europe is launching a environmental friendly version of Muhammad`s revelations hoping it to smooth over conflicts created by the previous version. "We haven`t sold out completely, the story is still set in the stone age. Muhammad is not running around with cell phones or any of that shit".

Immigration to Somalia

Somalian Migration Program has 234, 300 places available for skilled warriors. To get a Somalian Fighting Visa applicants must pass the Visa Eligibility Assessment test. And the test is to survive the first two weeks.

Disney Planet

Disney World want to open not a new park, but an entire planet out in space. The Disney Company has put in a bid for the moon. It has already covered our world with parks and movies. In the spirit of Walt Disney, it`s time to moon on.

Disney Adult Channel

In an ever expanding attempt to take over the world Disney is now moving into the adult industry. If the revenue is greater than the loss of regular income Disney will probably remake their entire film library for an adult audience.

Kebab Death

More people have died from kebab than the swine flu. Not so strange considering the kebab is filthier than the swine.

Internet Killed the Tv Star

Todays youth don`t care about television. The medium who once made stars can`t keep up with technology any longer and is being replaced by internetvision as the one & only media in the world.

That's one small step for mind, one giant leap for mindkind.

Leader`s Republic of China

When asked why they keep the one party system a communist replies, -We where considering the 6 thousand party system, but realized it would just be a mess. Thats why we keep it simple stupid.

World Weather Watch

WWW`s mission is to protect earth from bad weather. Exsatly how their gonna do that is unknown. How are they gonna make bad weather go away? What kind a tools do they use? These and more questions will be answeard, untill then, we just have to sit back and wait for the next natural disaster on tv.

Stupid Suicide Bomber

A suicide bomber called 911 for help when having problems exploding. The 911 operator calmed him down and talked him into blowing up in a remote area of town. Making him possibly the worlds most stupid suicide bomber ever.

Blind sex

Blind sex is a new dating service like blind date. Just registrer your address, leave the front door open and a stranger will come and shag you during the night.

Britney Spears next album

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Global Farting

The volume of fartgass discharged into the athmosphere is far more disturbing than CO2. 140 billion farts are squezed out everyday, making it 51 trillion farts a year. What are we gonna do with this vast volume of stinky? Breath it? Feed it to the plants? Store it underground as atomic fart?

How much fart gass can our biosphere take? Well, nobody knows. Untill then Global Watch suggests we all squeeze it, install our own butt plugg or take it out as a burp before we fart ourselves into destruction.

Global Misunderstanding

Scientist has found out that higher water levels around the world is not caused by ice melting or global warming but by the rapid increase in humans population. The total weight of humans walking around the globe today is 525 billion kilos. This will affect the sea level in eras with high human concentration like the Netherlands.

World Swine

Leaders of the muslim world strongly protest against the choosen name for the swine flu and suggest renaming it Bush disease or the Jesus syndrom. The Republic of China informs that in Han it`s translated into the Dalai Lama plague. In Russia it`s called the big bad west and in Israel suicide bombers disease.

Internet Times

Since we no longer use the stars to navigate or the sun to tell us the time. A new understanding if time is on the horizon:

I hour is now 1 second. 24 hours is 24 seconds. Weeks, months & years are no longer necessary.

Isolation Media

Twitter, Blogger and Facebook isolates and disconnects more people than any other propaganda machine troughout history. And people do it voluntarly. The false feeling of being connected while sitting alone in front of the computer is the key. When you later meet your online friend in real life it gets uncomfortable cause you got nothing more to talk about.

Why Name it Swine Flu?

Are you running out of names? Is it out of disgust? Or is it just to piss off the Muslims?

Gratitude from Iran

In a letter to the Neverland ranch, the Iranian leadership thanks Michael Jackson for taking the worlds attention away from the ongoing slaughtering in Iran. In return, the Ayatollah promises to swop the 72 virgins with children.

Global Religion

Christians and Muslims are debating whether the name of the mixed profet should be Jesus Muhammed or Muhammed Jesus. Both seem to agree that Jesmed and Muhsus is too weird. Negotiation are expected to take forever.

New Champion of the World

Making more money than both sex and drugs alone, terror beats religion as the indisputable moneymaking machine of the world.

Go Go Bar Dating Service

The non stop internet dating company has specialized in matching singles from different cultures. So far the results have been mixed, but thats their goal.

Let Me Be Ihr Furher

Not all Germans where Nazi, one was Austrian.

Fear Fact

It`s frightening that more people die from lightning than terror.

Terrorism is the new rock`n roll

It scares without danger.

United States of Arabia

With it`s 22 states and 323 million people they have a lot in common with United States of America. They both create a lot of mess.

Googleage

Google Earth is so great it has made the globe superfluous.

Agree to disagree

Humans agree that we disagree more than agree. What seperates us is what brings us together.

What is the difference between a religious president and an religious ayatollah?

Not much.

Should Islam Get Special Treatment?

No, it is not a dysfunctional religion. That would be very unfair towards the disabled.

Tax-freeland

Tax paradises sell tax protection to companies who don`t need it. The onces who do can`t afford it.

Truth Be Lied

The amount of lies politicians tell is so big they can hide the truth in it.

Coca Cola Company Needs More Mouths To Fill

Being one of the largest and most successfull company in the world Coca Cola simply needs the global population to increse in order to satesfy their shareholders. The Coca Cola Company have done extraordnary well inn developed countries since they provide treatment for overdrinking. People who normaly would have died can continue to drink the dangerous fluid without dying, making huge proffits for the shareholder. How many people have died from the sugar drink is unknown. Scientist claim it to be way more than the number of Jews who got fried during World War 2. The problem here is the victims are not forced as the Jews where, they are manipulated via advertising that the sugar drink will give them a great body and lots of pussy or cock. The Coca Cola companys problem is that drinkers in the underdeveloped parts of the world die to early.

Betrayed Suicide Bombers

Suicide bombers who blow themselves to pieces doesn`t get the 72 virgins in heaven as promised. The virgins say they find body parts repulsive. They prefer the meet intact.

World Bullshit Awards

North Korean Leader Kim Jong-il is rewarded The World Bullshit Award for outstanding achevements in bullshitting. "Noone else in the history of communism has got away with more crap than this ashole. He is a true master in the art of bullshit and we are all hope he will die as soon as possible", reads the jurys verdict.

Dear Leder, a 200 hour long epic documentary now showing on North Korean State tv, will be screened in the West under the tittle The Great Farytale.

He Probably Killed Her Or Atleast Didn`t Do Much To Stop It

Human Rights Activist Natalja Estemirova where killed in Chechnya. Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov promise not to investigate the murder any further.

Earth Problems

One billion people starv to death while another die from overeating. If we stopped helping the underfeed and gave the food to the overfeed instead, it would solve both problems.

Same Same, But Different

Chinese Authority accuses Australia for spying on their indystry. Australians have following to say on these ridicoulus accusations: "Absolutly every technology in China is imported from the West, close to 85 procent of their current production arm are making western products, why the hell would we want to spy on ourselves? It`s China who`s world know for their cheap copies of western products. Who would wanna copy their cheap shit? It`s Chinese man".

Another delegate from Australia who prefers to remain anonumous says "Why would we spy on how they make rice?".

Mein Pussy

The book Hitler wrote while sitting in the prison toilet is now being published in Germany. The book is considered to be the very first draft of Mein Kampf, but he didn`t have the balls to publish it. Afraid of being taken as a pussy he rewrote it, changed the tittle and started a world war to prove himself.

P8

The poorest 8 countries in the world gathered in Somalia this week. They agreed to raise the prices on export products. They also put togheter a wealth distribution program to help rich countries share their abundance. "It makes us sad in our hearts to see the G8 suffer in excess. The EuroAmericans are fat, lazy and overstimulated with overblown egos. These people need help and we will help them!", says the non terrorist clan leader from the Somali Mountains.

The Slavery

The new 8 star hotel The Slavery has opened in 18 major tax paradises around the world. The staff, all imported from god knows where, are doing all they can to make it the best hotell experience you`ve ever had without getting paid. If not, they will be burned in heating system.

Guests has made complaints on the treatment of the workers as the heaters at times get too hot. A silent spokesperson representing the slave resort points out that they don`t close their eyes to make the problem go away, but to make it continue happening.

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