Santa's On Steroids

Tour de World. Santa Claus tested positive in a drug test before Xmas and has been banned from Xmas for 2 years. -This is ridiculous, says Santa to BBC North Pole.

-How the #@$% can I get this done without it? There's too many kids! Too many addresses. I got one day?! Jesus, I'm not Jesus!

-Do you think Rudolph help? Seriously, an animal? Give me a stealth jet fighter or shut up. It's either that or drugs.

Photo Frankzed

The Virgin Galactic Explosion Looked Like Popcorn in the Sky

Explod-O-Pop. -Like a massive bowl of popcorn, the kind of size you would go for after smoking a joint of legal marihuana, says ground operator Bill Shift.

-The kind you go for when you think you can fly. When your high enough to believe boundaries doesn't apply to you.

Illustration Sam Churchill

Binge-Watch For A Good Cause

Breaking good. -People run marathons for charity. They put on fund raising shows and all sorts of shit. I though to myself, it got to be an easier way to do this...

Photo Al Lbrahim

Halloween Came Early to the Canadian Parliament

What do you expect? The shooter failed at scaring 35 million Canadians to join the Islamic State. Ottawa Police issued the following statement after the incident:

-The terrorist is dead and the world continues without him.

Photo Tsai project

Key Members of IOC Taken Out By Special Forces

Cash against humanity. The UN approved coalition against corruption lead by South Africa is proud to announce 5 European countries has joined the alliance.

-Without the support of these 5 western countries it would be difficult for us to legitimise the military action taken against the IOC headquarter in Switzerland.

-The President of the Olympic Committee was buried underneath the Fisht Olympic Stadium in Sochi within 24 hours of death. He was hiding in the town Lausanne. Corrupt leaders should know this, there is no safe house for white collar crime. We will hunt you down wherever you are.

Photo Marion Doss

The Writer behind Women in Space & Women in Combat is Out with the New Book: Women in Fast Food Restaurants

♀ & A. -As I was writing these books about amazing women I noticed there where a lot of them who'd rather sit at home watch television than go to space. In fact 99.999% choose earth in any given situation.

-So it hit me, why would these women strive for second best when their already #1? If giving birth isn't the biggest miracle on earth what is? I sat down and talked to these women who doesn't want to a soldier, CEO or an astronaut and surprisingly to me, they where quite happy with the men doing all the work.

-I asked myself why am I writing these books about amazing women when the majority isn't up for it? Money! And now I got a new subject!

Photo Trevor Cummings

Kim Jong-Un Found In All You Can Eat Restaurant

Deal with it. -They have a eat till you drop offer and Kim is still standing. 37 days, man. He's going for the world record times ten! says North Korean insider.

Photo IBT