Aliens Threatens To Sanction Earth If We Don’t Reduce CO2 Emissions

Space pollution. NASA received a warning from outer space saying that steps are taken to force us to introduce universal rights on earth. 

The sunlight will be blocked until we accept the star map to enlightenment and aliens will invade if we don’t change the course of our planet.


Photo Wikipedia

Santa -I Haven’t Seen So Many Jewish Kids Cry Since Holocaust

Crybabies. -Couples don’t think mixed relationships thoroughly through. If one of the kids is jewish he’s not getting any. Parents have to respect this. 

-Santa is for kids with white upbringing. If we get slippery on this I have to give presents to the muslims too. Have you got any idea many they are? I have 24 hours to get the job done. I got to draw the line somewhere. Lance Armstrong is helping me with France this year. He’s proven himself before so I know he’s up for it.

-I can’t have people who follow the rules. I need someone who can get the job done. No questions asked. Do I care if he use drugs? No. Do I care if he finish one time? Yes.

Photo Wall Papers Craft

Taiwan Capitalize On The Hobbit With Unauthorized Sequel

Fake sequel. -If we can fool 5% of the audience to believe The Rabbit is the real sequel, it's still a lot of money with a huge box office success like The Hobbit, says the film producer.

-There's a lot of retarded people out there who'll fall for it. Same with partially sighted guys who wont admit their nearly blind. That's out target audience. Stupid people between 13-35.

Photo  Alyssa L. Miller

Ron Burgundy Stirred Up Quite a Mess At News Actors Guilt Of America

The Madness Continues. By many vote the best worst speech ever, Ron Burgundy certainly delivered the goods at the annual NAGA. Here it is, word by word. Take it away Ron: 

-We all had that moment when a fan stop you on the sidewalk or a fancy restaurant and says "Hey, I’ve seen you". Yeah, I’m a news anchor. 

-"Your that donkey guy". -No I think you mistake me for someone else. "No, your the Donkey guy, oh my god, you f#@* a donkey!". No I didn’t, you’re defenitly mistaking me for someone else. I’m not an animal porn actor.

-"Yes you are, you’re that guy who sneaks up on the donkey and says: Your’re my donkey now, donkey! Then you f#@* the shit out of it. Oh my God".

-Oh, you mean Dolly. I misunderstood. I call her Dolly. I’m a donkey activist. I support their right to free squeeling. I’m the spokesperson of Donkeys of America, but nobody is interested in hearing about it so to raise awereness I did a donkey porno to raise money to liberate donkeys, except the one in the movie. She didn’t want to do it, so we had to put her down. Otherwise this would get weird. 

-People think their just donkeys, but they’re not, their donkeys

Photo Devian Art

Robben Island's Teddy Bear Name Not Cool Among Ex-Prisoners

Shame name. -It sounds like a tourist attraction, says guide and former ex-con Tyler Ike. The name doesn’t hold water. Which is why it was surrounded by it.

-They needed to water it out. They chose the ocean since it would take all the fresh water in South Africa to hold the lie floating.

-Thanks to Mandela I still spend time here cause it's the only job I can get!

Photo timparkinson

USA Film Rating Merger With The Chinese

The Rating Games. You can now officially be executed on site for putting out anything that offence anyone at the board or any other board, be a table or smörgåsbord

-We feel like fighting violence in films with violence makes filmmakers think twice about what they put out there. Obviously there will be more porn, says an old dog at the board. 

-We have a whole new group of young people working here now. Their testing the waters of power you know, getting to know their limits. They also have to figure out where to draw the line. 

-By that I mean we outsourced to China years ago and got away with it. Hollywood has put up with all this shit not knowing their actually dealing with Chinese authorities. 

-It’s the lacking learning curve who made them introduce the death rating system. It’s time to call the bluff, but the money is too good. All we concentrate on is keeping the system, as long as possible.

Image MPAA / The Film Rating

Morgan Freeman Will Miss Being Mistaken For Nelson Mandela

Goddigger. -It's been a privileged to be mistaken for greatness, but back in the day, when he was a and I quote "terrorist" it wasn't all that fun.

-It held me back professionally. For 27 years I didn't get roles cause I looked too much like the ANC leader Ronald Reagan put on the terrorist list. I finally broke loose from the spell when the idea of a black God hit Hollywood and I've never looked back since. So yes indeed, I take the credit for the Nobel Peace Price. I deserved it.

Photo Alan Light

Debtor Changes Collection Agency

3 times a lady. -After two rather rude phone call I thought to myself, I don't have to take this harassment, I'm paying for this. So I did, says Dick who has no idea how much he's owing.

-If I pay 3 times as much as I need for a product, I want customer service.

Photo jsmjr

Ukrainians Fight For Their Right To Be Unemployed In Europe

Gangsta jobless. -I don't look at myself as an unemployed Ukrainian, I see myself as a handsome European between jobs, basically speaking, says Максим.

-In Europe I'm cheap exotic labour, here I'm only unemployed. I bet I can pick up girls with my cv in the West. My cv is spectacular. Just don't check it.

Photo mac_ivan

Thomas Jefferson Payed $200 To Get His Face On Mount Rushmore

Mountain Dew. -The buzz about the massive landmark in South Dakota already began hundreds of years before it was built. Thomas Jefferson, then President back in the 17th century, saw the opportunity for future fame and took it, tells the tour guide at the National Memorial before he drops some acid.

-He payed $200 to a hooker in Kansas and made her pass on to her hooker children that whoever runs the whorehouse when building begin gives the sculptor special treatment.

-Washington knew he would be selected so he didn't care, but he put down $10 for the corner and a few facial adjustment.

-Lincoln had other plans for the future. Serving during the civil war, he noticed people honoured dead  soldiers more than returning ones. Having won the second term and lived to be 54, which was a good age in those days, he decided to go with a bang and arranged an assignation of himself. Ironically that gave him the spot.

-Theodore Roosevelt didn't like the idea of sharing space with 3 other presidents like they where equals, so he suggested he should get the whole mountain himself or sit on the other 3 and wipe his ass with Lincoln beard. True story. Acid anyone?

Photo Wikimedia Commons

Bashar al-Assad Buys Playstation 4: -I Want To Play Donkey Kong

-I like the Donkey.
Die Dumb in Syria. -I also look forward to my custom made Grand Theft Auto Damascus and Super Mario Assad, says the enforced President.

-Gaming gives me the opportunity to show what a ruthless dictator I am. I always kill unnecessary amounts of innocent people to demonstrate my strength and power.

-Sometimes my servants walk into my office at 4 o'clock in the morning and I'm still killing. It makes them numb. I like that.

Photo The Cutting Edge News

Mao Had Serious Hair Issues

Camouflage. -He took it out on the people. He was known for that. The cultural revolution was basically a direct consequence of Mao looking himself in the mirror, says  history professor Bao Ou.

-It was the same problem with Hitler and Stalin. They came to power with the best of intentions and then they began to lose their hair. Hitler compensated with a moustache, but Mao couldn't do that cause he didn't have facial hair, he only had a mole.

-The moustache kept Hitler peaceful for a while, but then he lost it. If you try to hard you loose the mind.

-With Stalin the problem was different. He had so much hair people around him was glad he got ride of some. Everywhere he went there was hair laying around after him. People allergic to cats couldn't go near him. He just didn't see it like that.

Photo Wikimedia Commons

Supreme Leader Not Awesome Enough Tittle For China's Top Dog

Doggy style. -I rule over 1.35 billion people, the awesomeness of the office must be reflected in the tittle, Supreme leader is simply not enough. It works for Iran the same way President do for USA and Prime minister for the UK.

-No offence, but I don't like to compare myself with ruthless turkeys, chickens or chicken wings. I'm the mountain who look after the world. I'm the one who protects the world against alien innovations.

-We have no serious enemies on earth so I have to look further. I need one to keep this house of cards together.

Photo Wikipedia

Chinese Officials Impressed By The Corruption In The West

1001 betrayals. -The older generation was afraid of loosing their privileges if China collapsed. My generation isn’t. Watching our western counterparts made us less concerned. 

-Some of us even welcome democracy, they get more...

Photo Asia And China Resources

Kim Jong-un Launch Jongtube In North Korea

Victory at first. Find everything you want to know about the great leader and everything you don't. It's all there.

Every citizen in North Korea, dead or alive, automatically became a subscriber to Kim's channel and they have to watch. -Yes, we monitor it and if they don't they die. Every video comes with a questionnaire at the end where they have to get 100 out of 100 points.

-It's an easy way to find out who to keep and who to eliminate. Sooner or later we have to have "elections" here too so why loose when we can pre-win.

Photo Manhattan Digest

Gangnam Style Smash Hit In North Korea

Kimbox. The popular Youtube video leaked into North Korea and spread house by house on VHS. -It’s what we in the industry call "a walker", says North Koreas Head of Popular Music Dong Dong.

-We couldn’t stop it. We tried, but after slaughtering down thousands of people without any impact we came to the conclusion invading our own country is a bad idea. I wish we thought of that before we used the air force. Now we have to rebuild huge parts of the country. Not that anyone could tell.

-Kim Jong-un has declared the incident a military exercise. He also claims ownership of the song and calls it a present to the people from the royal highness himself.

-He’s gives an in-depth interview to his own newspaper New Kim Times about how the song came about, how popular it has been abroad and how lucky the North Korean people is who get to hear his  music. He also dedicates the song to the victims of the military exercise.

Photo Dallas Observer Blogs

Bedwetter Saved By Typhoon

Rainy day. -Normally I pre order a waterbed, but this hotel only had madrases. It ruined my cover, how could I explain leakage like that from a madras?

-Thank God the typhoon came and ruined the entire hotel. It saved me so much embarrassment, shame and I get the money now!

Photo EU Humanitarian Aid and Civil Protection

The Griswold Family Goes To Space

Space tourism. Chevy Chase has been digitally remastered for the unexpected sequel National Lampoon's Space Vacation. -I had no idea they where even making the film, but as long as I get paid, they can digitally abuse my body as much as they want, says Chevy Chase to Stardust Magazine.

-Their using the original 1983 poster. It's perfect. We tried to make a space comedy, but technology wasn't there yet so we settled with a cross-country drive to Walley World theme park. Or at least that's what the script read, I never really watched it.

Photo Amazon