Male bodybuilder confess he feels like a woman

Shebuilding. -I never cared about how I looked or what I ate before I started this sport. Now I spend more time infront of the mirror than all my 12 sisters combined, say pro bodybuilder Carl August.

-I do stuff now I never think would do. Like spending time taning to get the right skin tone. I even do my nails. I feel like such a lady. I`ve been doing this for years now and no threes has been cut down, no bullets being fired, no car chases or anything remotely masculine besides posing, which is kinda gay when you think of it.

-I hit me after my last competition. I do this to impress other men. It is such a ladies thing. Which is why half the guys here are gay. It`s the only other place they can be left alone besides gay bars and coffee shops.

-When people ask me what I`m doing I can`t really say I do much besides taking off my clothes to please others which makes me sound like such a bitch. I even wear a tanga!

-I got man boobs. I`ve developed curves and feminine attributes. I get the same attention as a beautiful lady. My dick looks smaller. I lie in bed all day. I worry about getting too fat. I pose on stages and my goal is to win a beauty pageant. This sport really screwed up my manhood and turned me into a such a pussy. I look great, sure, but thats it?! I can`t even fire a gun!!!

Photo Steve Tolcher

French workers outsource management

Made in French China. -The owners are too expensive to run. Therefore we move the leardership to China where they do just as bad work for a fraction of the bonus, says French lingerie seamstress/model Jacqui Love.

Photo zio Hack

Pimp my dissability

Tofu guy to himself: "Why did I quit school?
Why? Why? Why?"
Lowrider. -I got wheels of steel and a tofu bodyguard to king me around. My lower body is born to do this. I`m a natural king. I got royal genes. I am the incarnation of MTV - left behind and desperately in need of attention.

-See you suckers! I don`t want to spend any attention on you.

Photo denise said whaaat

Israeli kids ridicule their heritage with laughter gas

-A jew walks into a hospital and the doctor ask "whats wrong?".
He says "wrong, I`m jewish, everything is wrong. This is
antisemitism". I love that joke. 
Roadmap for party. -We want a fresh start. We have had enough of these victim tales. Our ancestors are killing us. There is no conflict. It does not apply to us. It`s all been shown down or throats, says Lucy Jew.

-Want some gas? We got cyanide beer, ash juice, genocide tonix... help youself. It`s an open bar.

Photo melthork

State of Health Address

O-factor. Here is an extract of the President`s speech to the aging American economy:

-225 years is no age for a country. Nations has lasted longer than this.

-Look at Ethiopia and the 2800 years worth of mess their in. It`s the oldest country in the world and their still creating problems together.

-We will get through these dark times. We have until the sun stop shining, said Obama.

Photo White House

Pro home entertainment

The Smartsons seperateroom.
Surround screen. The Smartsons family took home entertainment to a new level went they went pro.

-Yeah, we where so sick and tired of each other we needed something that could separate us when we where together in the living room. I mean, we had to if we where to keep living together, says Wayne.

-I have to admit I can`t remember my sisters name. I keep mistake her for Marcia in the Brandy Bunch.

-Sometimes I even adress the tv instead of her. They both ignore me so it`s hard to tell who`s who. When I get that look from the tv that in no way resonate with what I say. Like I`m not even there. Thats when I realize I`m speaking to the flatscreen.

-But who can blame me with voice recognition and all?! I speak more to the technical appliances than humans! At least the tv recognizes me.

Photo mettamatt

Obama up for 20 Grammy nominations!

President of soul
SoulOnova. -When you saw how easy he got the Nobel Prize, which is the most prestigous award in the world, I think it`s a safe bet to say Obama wins everything. Even the categories he`s not nominated in. Like best female newcomer. He`ll win that too, say a Los Angeles Times reader.

Photo BeckyF

Norwegian black metal has a huge following in Arabia

Metalia. So far nobody of the devoted fans has dared to burn down a mosque as the Norwegian burned churches, but they sure as hell want to.

-We`re waiting for the penalties to soften up. Death is too big a sacriface, says Anonymous Ali.

-If the Norwegians had to pay the ultimate price for their church burning, there wouldn`t be any. Their not that tough. Their more like make up tough. Hard on the outside, softies on the inside. Down here it`s opposite. We look like sheeps, but we`re hardcore asholes underneath.

Photo antjeverena

The weight of humans in Asia is getting too heavy for earth

Richard Dawkins laughing at an Iman trying to convince
him Allah exists. 
Autism. -The surface plate under China and India might collapse anytime. It was never build for billions of people.  It was design to withstand the impact of a meteor or possible planet crash. Like a car body. If you put two billion midgets on a Toyota it might not run that well, says evolutionary biologist and party hard man Richard Dawkins.

-I stopped care about what happens when the human population reach 9 billion people by 2020. It never will. It drops to 5. So I drive a Dodge Ram SRT-10 with an 8.3 liter engine, I eat all the meat I want, and I watch Bollywood movies dubbed in Mandarin laughing my ass off.

Photo jurvetson

Drug store expand with illegal substances

The newly opened outdoor serving.
Natures best. -Whats the difference? We`re at the corner anyway. Besides, the stuff we sell on the sidewalk is healthier. I would never give the pharmaceutical drugs to my kids, never says Corner Joe at Hemp Street.

-First of all, I never know whats in the legal stuff, but what I do know is that the politicians, chemist and doctors who approved it is full of shit.

-Second, I always know the illegal stuff is good cause my off the record supplier use it himself. No pharma company or doctor does that. Have you ever heard of a psychiatrist who has any practical experience with the drugs she advice others to eat?

-The money is great. The 0-tax system even better and the market is endless. What more can a chemist ask for?! Prostitutes maybe, but that would scare of my prescription customers.

Photo Salim Virji

Spike Lee could not get finance for all white cast

The Whitesons. -The studio heads like my script, but they think I got a significant other. They believe I will go ahead and make my mistress story instead, says Lee.

-I keep telling them it`s a sweet story, it just happens to have an all white cast. That`s where they get so nervous. Me with a white cast. Like I`m gonna kill them or something.

-They ask me questions like, is "then they have a romantic moment on the porch" code for "we`re gonna kill you and all your white homies?".

-We don`t trust him with that kind of money, says Hollywood head Bigshot Stupid. -We`ll back the movie with any other director attached, provided he`s white.

Photo ElFrenetico

The genius among geniuses doubt his own skills

Modified IQ scan of Kim`s brain.
Think bowl. In a rare interview with Kim Jong-un`s inner voice, WMA got a peak inside his brilliant mind. Here is a transcript of the words who fly through his stream of consciousness:

Mmm mmm gummi bears ... Why are elefants blue?   I miss my daddy   I never got to prove myself   Whatever I do he will never see it   Why are elefants blue?   How can they be blue when the sky is blue?   Who was blue first?   The Sky or the elephant?   Now I understand why daddy wanted me to study acting   I can do whatever I want   Mmm gummy bears ...

Photo mark.madsen

North Korea sends foreign aid to itself

Firing food at the people.
Clown-Korea. Kim Jong-un, leader of the Korean Famine Party, sets up a nuclear food program to fight hunger. -I will feed the North Koreans with everything I got!


Sweatshop workers: Who are these big people?

XXXXXXL. -I`ve never seen anyone this big. I though I was making parachutes but it`s mens underwear. And I`m black?! says Slim Jones.

-We had one African-Asian here who for years thought she was making t-shirts. When we told her they wear it on their feet she quit. No way she was sewing socks for a living.

Photo K. Kendall

40.000 people got eaten by journalists last year

Headline murders. -We need atleast 60.000 to cover our needs this year, says head of International Media Abuse Roger Press. -And a few catastrophes and a couple of major crises... we got to feed the beast. We also need a few hundred thousand volunteers for page fillers like traffic accidents, blah blah blah, and a celebrity willing to flash their sex life in public every day, but that always solves itself.

-This is beyond my pay grade, but If someone could throw in a war or two that would make us very happy.
Photo bisgovuk

Stephen Hawking thinks Kim Jong-un is enormously stupid

Ilgenious. -27 years old and no sign of a brain yet. The guy is a jerk. Look at him! He looks like a moron, says Stephen Hawking. -And I know what a moron looks like.

-I`ve checked out his work from the University he went on in Switzerland and oh my God. He`s a complete nutcase. He believes the earth is flat, that his father is the creator of the universe and that the North Koreas is the chosen people. He actually thinks his granddad gave birth to them all. According to him, it`s the male dictator who gives birth to a nation. He sees it as his job to renew the population. What a douchebag.

-He reminds me of a human possum. I`ve asked around in university circles, but no one has heard of any revolutionary work by mr dickhead. Nothing. None. Zero. The Nobel Institute has never heard of him, neither has NASA, CERN or any other brain Institute. The only people I was able to track down who had actually meet him, besides CIA, MI6, NSA... who all confirmed he`s a jerk, was the staff at McDonalds in Switzerland. They all knew him. Didn`t matter which outlet, he had been there. Quarter pounder with milk was his thing. He can`t even get it right at a fast food restaurant.

Photo @Doug88888

Men in black had originally an all black cast

Protecting the world from an
all black cast. 
Black Tails. The studios wasn`t ready for an all black movie, recalls the producer. They argued "We got to see something", I said no "This is an all black movie, everything is black, the actors, the clothes, the sets, everything. You can`t see shit!" They thought the audience wasn`t ready, so I put in some whites to get it made.

Image MIB3

Local rapper desperate to make some kind of impact

-Why don`t you fucking come and lissen?!
The delusionals. The 20 something asianite who has been singing, if that what you want to call it, since he dropped out of kindergarden, says he just want to be heard by millions of people. But they walk away when he opens his mouth.

- I don`t understand shit what he yarns about. It all sounds like chinese pig squeals to me. He insists it`s rapping, but hey, I know rap bitch, says the leader of the Hang Around Gang outside area shopping centre. -But we keep him in our gang cause he keep the rivals away. We rule this area. Nobody chalenges our hang out district thanks to his God given voice.  Not even the Beastie Boys, man.

Han, the guys name is Han, as in Han Solo (ridiculous) says he`s this close to a major brake through. -Nobody understands me, says our translator, but the next sentence is too hard for him cause it sounds like pigging. After 15 minutes the translater understands something. It`s Emmy Awards. Then he understands more. It`s groupies. Then more groupies.

When asked whats wrong with a normal life Han answers something, but our WMA translator require double pay to uncode it. He says he didn`t spend a 5 years in College to works for fuckwits like Mr. Han here. Luckily, Han has his head up his ass and doesn`t pick up the humiliation going on 15 centimeters away from him. Apparently his head is so far up he never noticed any. Then it struck them... Thats why his voice sounds like shit.

They pulled it out and immediately took him too a shower and behind the curtains came this beautiful sopranos to life singing like a bird. -20 years, man.., now I understand why he was so persistent. Thats what he heard in his head, says a now friend after realizing how rich hi can get.

Photo Jesslee Cuizon

It`s ok to pie at your enemy

Urinboy showing how it`s done.
Marking territory. US soldiers is under investigation for urinating at dead terrorists. Sane Mouthfield says to We don`t Need Another Media Crisis that when they are sent to kill terrorists the people who send them should not complain if they pie a little on them too. You got to urinate somewhere. As long as they do it afterwords, it`s not interesting. Unless it wakes them up from the dead or something.

-Seriously, are you telling me it`s okay to kill someone, but not piss on them. Isn`t killing them the ultimate expression of taking the piss at someone?

-Who considers the graveyard flowers who need water? Who takes into account that this is actually good for the decomposition process? And who cares about the fact that urin is a natural human product as opposed to bullets!

Photo jemsweb 

Ex miss hate button on facebook

This was an afro before they broke up. He saved 50$ in haircuts.
Daredevil. -There`s nowhere I can express my feelings on this shit. It`s either like or ignore. I don`t want to ignore. I severely want to express my hate for her, so everybody can see it. I didn`t brake up cause I liked her, says Ablo Problemo.

-In fact it was she who broke up with me and those four other guys I had no clue about. She said she couldn`t take the computer hours anymore. So why did you encourage me? I did it to get away from you, with your blessing it was like killing two birds with one stone.

-Little did I know she saw this as an opportunity to leave me slash meet other guys. We went on like this for two years. Two years!!! God, I played a lot of computer games. Now look at me, I`m such a jerk. But I`m not swallowing it cause I don`t swallow. I`m a man and my pride is eternal.

 -The guys I played with online turned out to be the guys my woman was seing. They took turns to keep me occupied. Thats when it all went black for me. I went from a religious choir boy to Black Sabbath fan in two milliseconds.

-I`ve spend all my time since updating my glorious hate for the you know who. Facebook asks me whats on my mind and I tell them. Their the only one who`s asking. All my other friends, relatives and family don`t want to hear about it, but I do. I want to rub it in. But it should be easier. There`s no need to write full sentences with commas and everything when you can press a simple button instead who says it all.

Photo ardenswayoflife

Curtis Mayhem released his most annoying record to date

WMA apology for not providing a better 
photo of Curtis Mayhem, but he tried to 
eat our photographer so the two had to
be separated before she was done. 
ARRRRRGHH!!! -It`s pure bullshit. It`s the most rotten peace of violent trash since Mein Kampf. He only put tunes to it, but it sells says his publisher Aron Moneymaker. -People want this shit. Mayhem wanted a new house, lets make a record. It only takes two weeks. And thats included getting it out there.

-Curtis is a very angry guy. Being around him for more than 2 minutes tests your limits for how much shit your able to put up with. I`m full of shit so I can take it, but even I get too much at times. That how horrible he is. So leaving him alone in a studio with a microphone you know it`s getting dark. You don`t even have to turn of the light. With him there it will be even it`s on.

-I usually tell him to go fuck himself for inspiration. It gets his creative juices going. But I don`t want him in the studio for too long cause he gets darker and darker and there is a limit to how much darkness a human soul is willing to pay for. I find 60 minutes of pure hell is about right. There will always be a few million black souls out there willing to pay to hear someone express whats going on in their "hearts".

-If we make it darker, as it will be if we leave Mayhem in the studio for too long, the amount of people willing to pay for that kind of darkness will decrease. We`re down to murderers, robbers... really bad people. And if we cut Curtis loose and let him make what he really want, he will be the only potential customer. Thats why we take him in a cage to the studio. In fact, he was raised in a cage cause his parents was afraid he would eat the family. Maybe thats why he`s so angry. That`s a great name for a record. Cageboy!

Photo virginsuicide photography

Extra! Mitt Romney wins New Hampshire Idol

Obamas boy. -Age before beauty bitches, was Romneys comment to the other contestant after the audience was done with their sms voting at the Republican Idol. Romney, who has won several Who Wants to be a President, has never got to the top at the "prestigious" American Primaries.

-It`s the 10th season. He has outlived nearly all his competitors. He can actually make the final, says political trend contributor Whatz Hott to Cosmopolitician. -Thats why the Republicans celebrate these smaltime elections so much cause they know their losing the big one.

Photo Gage Skidmore

Elastic estate market in Shanghai is booming

-When we run out of building materials we use whatever we find,
gummy bears wasn`t the smartest.
Super domino. -We never though the people who`d live there would ever afford to furniture their apartments. We calculated for working class people with 18 hour days. Never more than 40 there at any given time. How could we know they got a serious pay raise? asks Dong the Builder.

-When we found out we thought the best thing was to do nothing. Why worry in advance? What are they going to do. Move into another building that falls apart?

-The Communist Party will kill more people than us trying to save the survivors. They always do. So we don`t have to worry about our reputation. New prospects will continue to come in. It always does. We have to worry about not putting up enough buildings. Otherwise the commies come for us!

Photo Marc van der Chijs

Nerd occupy entire city's internet access

Here occupying the city's sewage plant for 15 min.
Webmania. -He`s really horny, says the web provider. As in watching porn all the time. On top of that there`s the online gaming, social media, streaming downlading and the usual bullshit surfing. We don`t know what to do?

Online Joe, as he prefers to be called, says he got no problem with occupying Web Street. -It`s an internet movement. People has had enough and take to the computers. How can I possibly fail on my laptop? I`ve failed in everything else in life. Now I finally realize I should never have tried. I shouldn`t have left my bedroom. Thats the mistake. The horrible grades was never the problem, it was the going to school.

-Ever since I sat down on my ass and said fuck off to the world, I`ve grown enormously, not only physically, but as a person. Surfing on the web have revealed sides in me I wasn`t aware off. I never knew I was that filthy. Now I know and I have come to accept that I`m a pig with an abnormal appetite for weird sex.

-I had no clue I cared soo little about issues I should really care about. I don`t even give a fuck. I learned that I`m fine with crime as long as I don`t get caught. I don`t care if the movie companies go bankrupt. I never did when I did. Why should I care more for them? They never helped me to download their stuff for free anyway. Selfish pricks.

-I say this to everyone I meet the few times I have to go outside; "Go online and get a life!".

Photo The Infamous Gdub

Every Chinese is yellow, but some are more yellow than others

The Communist Parking House in Beijing
Yellow submarine. -We call the Commie Party`s list of who gets perks the yellow pages. When you see party bureaucrats in a high end cars you know their yellow on the inside too, anonymous Cho.

-Some are so yellow they turn orange, or even worse, red. Thats how you know your dealing with a true party rat. The hot dogs of evil. Never turn your back to a comrade who blends with the flag. That`s suicide.

-The Beatles is code for resistance here. It`s the music of the underground. When we sing these songs in China they get an ironic touch like no other satire. Like We all live in the yellow submarine, with an emphasize on we as in yeah right...

-We sing the courus of All you need is love with the nastiest touch of evil. Love is code for party membership. Girlfriend means party brass and so on. Every song ever made get so funny in China. When Rihanna sings We found love it means she found a dirty bastard who steels from the pople who steel.

Photo jiazi

Watch the throne Elisabeth, technically I`m king now

Sweet baby rapstar. -How many show up to hear you sing, huh? I build myself a castle now so watch out. I`m coming for you, says Kayne West in an interview with Royal Ego.

Photo dnorton

James Bond got into a fight after ordering milkshake

Public agent. -He got the irony, definitely, says Joshy. But I had a few to many joints before the late shift and it was too tempting asking "shaken, not stirred?" He smiled politely and I responded arrogantly "but it`s a milkshake?! It`s already shaken!". It was so funny. After the 6th take he didn`t find it funny anymore. I was so stone I thought we where making a Bond movie.

-The atmosphere changed in a bliss when he beat me up. People  took pictures and cheered and next thing I`m on the cover of New Dork Times. It was fantastic. Beaten up by Bond like in a real movie.

-The problem started when he came back for another milkshake. I wasn`t in the mood for intensive care, but as a burger shop employee  the customer is always right. Two months later, I had to quit, I looked like meat and my co workers would threw me on the grill by mistake.

-I got a job in vegetarian fast food joint and guess who walks in and orders a milkshake? Sean Connery. He heard about the beatings and wants in. He felt that he had to prove that he is the real Bond and 4 broken bones later I agreed to make peace.

-Craig went nuts when he heard about Connery, "that`s my, bitch", "Nobody fucks with my bitch!". He came back and took me down good. So the joint stopped selling milkshake. Next time he came by he didn`t like it, so I told him "Too much to handle for MI6?". "They never thought you what to do if you ran out of milkshake?"...and then we where back at it.

Photo NYTrotter

Arnold was working on a secret program to increase the population in USA

Here after banging the entire Yankee stadium
Total Repregnation. His wife Maria got suspicious when Arnold kept going to the gym a little to often. -He would disappear for a few hour and I asked him where he`d been and he`ll answer "to the gym". No woman in her right mind stops her man from going to the gym, look at his body.., but then he would disappear for months and when I asked where he`d been "to the gym". So something was going on.

-I guess I should have picked it up when he made True Lies. I think they screen tested 70.000 women to find the right ones. They did as many as they got away with. There where truck loads coming in and they pumped it good.

After hiring a private eye she was breathtaking. -In 1968, when Arnold first moved to USA, NSA recruited him for a population explosion program. China was pointed out as the future enemy after the predicted fall of the Sovjet Union. Their biggest weapon was people. They already had 750 millions of them. US was falling behind with it`s 200 millions. The government needed someone who could fuck an enormous amount of chicks.

-He could literally impregnate ladies by looking at them. They didn`t even need to be in the same room. Somehow his sperm would find it`s way to their vagina, says NSA operative John Spermfelt. We`re up 110 million now thanks to Mr Universe. Give him another 20 years and we`re up to... now that he`s not married... 500 millions.

Photo gregeichelberger

Jesus is the brain behind McDonalds

Jesburger. Jesus took 5 loaves and two fish and looked in the sky. "For the love of God, I want burgers. This is 1940, Jesus Christ. And give me some fries with that!

Thats how McDonalds got startet. Did I forget to mention Jesus`s undercover name is Ronald McDonald? -I couldn`t build this empire as me. If I walked around in my Jesus clothes and claimed God is my genetic father I would eventually get locked up. It`s hard to run a company from a prison cell unless its a drug cartel. so I needed a silly costume nobody could recognize me in.

In an interview with Time magazine Jesus said he and his dad had run a pretty successful business for over 2000 years, but felt it was time to expand. -We grew apart over the years. I never got that food part right in our first company. As the centuries passed by the fish trick became embarrassing. I wanted to fix it big.

-I looked at the world and asked how can I really impress those living here now? The answer was a little fast food restaurant in California. I bought it and went nuts. I didn`t think about nutrition. I was still stuck in year zero. Now I`m paying the price. Have to redo every goddamn restaurant in the world.

Photo avlxyz

Cry like a North Korean

Cry dog. When other school kids start to learn a second language, North Korean learn to cry. -Yes, 5 hour every week we sit together and cry for our leader, says Commander in class Obi-Han Kenobi.

-We mainly use the song Don`t cry for me Argentina to get the tears rolling, then we follow up with black metal to scare them out.

-If their not coming we point a gun in their face. That always works.

Photo emrank 

The Chinese primaries: Who will not be in charge

The Chinese Dream. -I don`t know why we do this. Actually we don`t. Everybody lose. The green is losing the election and the blue is definitely losing. As you can see red is the clear cut winner as always, says Jongy in the Survivor party.

Photo Blueshirts

The Yellow House in China

House of Elite. Chinas equivalent to the Americas White House is slightly different:

1) They couldn`t make it white.

2) Nobody really works here.

3) It doesn`t represent the people.

There`s no room for debate or participation. It`s a theatre stage with audience seats. The people are designated watchers to the communist play. Even though they claim to be the Great Hall of the People there is no way they can fit 1 billion people in there.

In USA the people decide who lives in the White House. In China the Yellow House decide who live in the country.

Photo ssr.ist4u/AcidBomber

Mr Putin looks more and more like Mr. Potato Head

Plastic man. -I like potatoes. It`s healthy, it`s cheap and it promotes agriculture in mother Russia. Speaking of Russia, I`m the father, father Russia. I don`t know who the mother is. I`m sorry and I sincerely apologize. I have not forgotten her name in disrespect. It`s just that I shag so many women I can`t possibly keep track of everything. You know, the names here are so long and difficult. Do you think it`s any easier for us?! God, we have to live with this, says Putin.

Photo Kremlin

North Korea is the biggest joke in former East Germany

Communist Korea. -Good luck on that project. Hey young Kimmy boy, have you heard of the word failure? You should look it up. It`s written all over your country. Have you heard the song don`t look back in anger? That`s true. You should look forward in anger.

-They brag about having the largest standing army. What good is an army if it`s only standing? Is that all it takes to be a solder in the North Korean army? What do they do, throw sticks at people?

Photo FredoAlvarez

North Korean teenagers can`t stop laughing when imagining what Kim Jong-un looks like if he took of his pants

Emperor's new johnson. -I`m sure it looks like a pig's tale. HA HA HA HA!!!!!!

-Or pork chops. Ha ha ha!!! He looks like he`s growing black grass on his head. His hair is ridiculous. It`s straight up, like he`s compensating for something. HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!

-HA HA HA!!! HA HA HA HA!!!! 

Photo jeffhall2069