Horrendous news source. Terrible at best. World Mess Association (WMA) is an attention-seeking news agency made up of mad journalists. WMA makes profit by continuously firing staff. Making sure the onces left are exhausted, underpaid and working from home. WMA does not cover health insurance or stories involving the shareholders. WMA has won the Bullytzer Prize for covering up mass crime and continues to harm selected countries, companies and people in coordinated cyber attacks.
Big China. -Your just a little mice. A tiny little electric gadget. Ha! Ha ha ha!!! How can you be 99% when we are 14%? How stupid are you? Are you all one? Is that what your saying? Are you communists? asks Chinese wise man Wang Wong Gong.
-What`s the difference between your American so called 1% and our 1%? Greed?! Don`t think so. At least ours try to make it look like they care. Yours don`t even try.
The Peoples Think Tank. The following thought was... here it comes, please mind the gap:
2. You got nice titts/chest.
3. Look at that bulge/ass.
4. I want to %&@ her/him, her & her, him/her/her.
5. I got a headache.
6. I got a headache every time you want me.
7. I love you, but I also love your money. No money, no love.
8. Damn, we`re out of ketchup, the store is still open.... #&%*!
9. I hate you. I want to kill you. I wish you where dead. Let`s make love.
10. He`s a dog. He doesn`t understand anything. Still, I trust him more than you, honey.
11. Can you please wash your own clothes now?
12. I love you, but not like that.
13. I don`t give a shit.
14. Not my problem. Lets go.
15. Your so &$#@#* #$&?@*$&@#*!!!!!!
So close. The police has no clue why the scientist mysteriously disappeared right after she announced she found a new unlimited energy source totally free of charge. No one within the energy business understands why anybody would want to abduct her. -Yeah, why would we?!, says the oil people.
According to rumors the incident has nothing to do with the dead body found up in a three outside the scientists home. -I know it looks like the same person, but it`s not. If you look at her smartphone it`s about 200 incoming calls from a guy known to do dirty jobs for whoever pays the most, so it can`t be her. Why would anybody not want to solve the energy problem once and for all?, says the investigator.
Her family, who is also missing, told friends that the solution was surprisingly simple. Yeah, disappointingly so. Apparently it`s all around us, we just haven`t seen it yet. -They laughed very hard when they talked about it. So hard that they never came to the point. Weird you ask cause I had these men asking me the same question last night, says a close friend of the family.
Runaway candidate. The extremely popular politician, who is seen as the only candidate who can beat the current president, has been asked to run for more than 3 decades. -I don`t want to do it. I don`t care. I don`t want to be president of the United States of America. You can say whatever you want. In the end of the day it`s me who makes the decision - not you.
-I`ve slept with hookers, I`ve used blow, I secretly supported the communists during the Cold War... Ok, I didn`t. I DON`T WANT TO DO THIS.
-I`m not born in America. I`m German, my father was, and still is, a nazi. He killed thousands in the concentration camps. I kick my dog. I got HIV. I`m gay. Look, I will do whatever it takes not to run for president.
-I`ll make an amateur porn video with my dog and put it on the web. Just leave me alone!!!!!!!!
Reality Greek . -They have a level of depth we never reach no matter how many episodes we make. We have done over a thousand now and there is no way we can generate that level of excitement. The drama is out of control. Nobody, not even the government, knows where this is heading. And there is no ending to the problems that are thrown at the greek people. How do they come up with this stuff? Talk about excellent writing! We must hire this people to write our shows. Damn, imagine those ratings. The whole world would be watching, says soap hunk.
Software loss. -The reduction of the total pc mass is too fast, says Fatboss Baconfield at WW. -This is not healthy. You stop when you reach the norm. You don`t go beyond slim. When Jobs came out with MacBook Air we went "Wait a minute... AIR?!" Is this a plan to make the world disappear with him? And when he launched iCloud we where like "He`s not *#@% kidding". He`s going to heaven and taking us with him.
The Hairfather. -I use it with a twist of grey. I don`t want to look like a complete bonzo. I do it for the ladies basically. Everything I do is for the ladies. Do they want to bang old granpa, no, but a stallion de luca? O yeah Yeah!!! It works. I tell you. Like movie magic, says Al with a smile.
Web wave. -My hair got like this from the pc fan. Should I turn it off when I need a haircut or should I wait until the power goes out? Those are hard questions. Shall I keep on going to I meet the end? Where is it? I can`t see any signs of this ending and I`m not a quitter. I finnish what I start. You don`t run a marathon to chicken out 2 meters in. I`m gonna win this thing, says Internet Man in a chatroom. -You think I`m logging off to speak to you guys?!
Friendly fire. -We decided to smoke them out. There`s too many people with life threatening diseases around so instead of letting them suffer a long and horrible death we killed them. All 7 million of them.
-Any smoker will, from today, be shot and killed at sight. Smoking is deadly. Everybody knows this. We`re sick and tired of people not listening.This woman lost her baby, too bad..., she didn`t even know she was pregnant, what a waste, says Tobaccominister Killingson.
Academy penalty. After hearing the news that the Academy kicked out the Oscar producer for making a sexist remark Putin laughed hard according to anonymous sources. The Russian president offers the Hollywood director protection and will personally foresse that he can gaybash without getting fired. -This is ridiculous, their so uptight they don`t even have humor.
Speaking with mr Putin on the phone Ratner asks if he can joke with race, gender, world politics, whereas Mr Putin answeared "This is Russia, I don`t care what you say. Your a funnyman, it`s your job. You do yours, I do mine, everybody is happy. Do you want the money is US Dollars or Yuan?".
Dead carpet. After Brett Ratners verbal gay bashing girl shagging departure from the Oscars the heads of Hollywood hires King of what is gonig on? to produce the live telecast. -We want to sink this ship properly with our flag high, responds Inside member.
-If the Oscar was broadcasted from Spain, or any other place on earth except Key West, the "rehearsals is for gay" comment wouldn`t been such a big thing. It`s the amount of gays here that makes it a huge concern. LA is an anti anti gay place. Here you get bashed for liking women.
-To top it we`re putting it on Telemundo, or pay pr view, I don`t know, Fox maybe. Who cares. As long as nobody watches we`re happy:)
The Fonz. -He was great for the cosmetic industry and I think thats it, says an Italian journalist. -He will probably get a lot of offers from Greece, they adore him there. For the last 10 years they`ve copied everything he did plus, they did the things even he didn`t dare. You should have seen him sometimes... che diavolo? The Greek news was his favorite tv program... after himself.
Baptism by politics. The anonymous governor doesn`t understand how he got so far in politics without being accused of any. I thank my bad looks. Without them I would be doomed. If I was a pretty boy, running this state, people would think I was a rapist. How can I convince them to vote for me with good looks? The first thought that would pop up in their heads is "my God he must be a sex predator. I don`t want him to fuck up the entire state".
Celebrity slut. -I don`t have any skills, that is my skill. Therefor I can not be a celebrity stylist, celebrity cook, celebrity tv presenter host whatever...! I`m a celebrity. Like celebrity sir, only celebrity celebrity. Get it?! I have other people doing my life for me. Why would I want another title? Do I look like a cook? No. You know why? Cause I can`t cook! Famenkous! You don`t need to explain to people that I`m famous! I`m famous!!! I`m not an unknown celebrity... It`s not possible! Do I have do create a scandal to make myself clear? says C Slut.
Tourist trap. -It wasn`t sharp enough. It`s like the Hubble telescope. We #&@ up. We have given up reviving it. We tried everything says Secret Agent Steel Hammer. -Christmas lights, voodoo... now that we realize it was pretty dumb to begin with we decided to drop it and for once tell you the truth. Yes, it was a secret NASA/CIA you name it operation to puncture the sky in case of a nuclear attack from Soviet Union. It`s the Star Wars program Ronald Reagan talked about. They built it right infront of your nose and it @#%*% works! Thank God we never used it. Mother.... can you imagine?! Jesus Christ All Mighty! I`ve wet my pants every single day for 30 years. My bed is a pool. God, I`m looking forward to use the toilet again. After all those years... toilet... mmm... mm... toilet... I love the sound of piss in the morning.
Growcastle. Most others die. They either fall down, get eaten, dry out or simply drop dead. But neo evolutionary economists Bob Fraud claims that they don`t try hard enough. -I still think trees has a good shot at reaching the sky. Compared to animals, I mean, their not even trying. Except giraffes whos on to something. Mountains too, it will take time, but it can happen. Human ego, even dough we rarely grow higher than 2.5 meters, it doesn`t seem to have any limitations on our ambitions or our reproductive organs, a little inside joke there. But seriously, whats the problem, airplanes do it all the time.
The great walk of America. -With the amount of star being pumped out today we barely keep up. If this continue to excess in the same speed we`ll be soon be in Canada. Astronauts see it from space. It looks like it`s stars on earth. We`re already renting out scooters and Golf carts to tourists who want to do the walk, we advice them on where to get cheap accommodation along the way, where to eat and so forth.
-It`s the perfect place to go fame searching. If you want to get fame at heart, the Hollywood Walk of Fame is the path that will lead you to inner celebrity status. If you can walk these steps you can climb any social ladder.
Publishing person. -Damnit, I can`t write, I need a ghostwriter, a ghostphotographer and some shoe polish. Can anybody go shopping for me? -I feel that my fans owe it to me to buy my fameography where I tell them why they like me and how they came to adore me. Why they spend more time on me than their parents, why they choose to listen to me instead of their teachers and why I am worthy of their authority figuring.
-I`ll map it out over 3-400 pages, got to save something for the bio update next decade. It`s the money I made on this people that makes it possible for me to make money on them again and again and again and again and again and again… … … and again… That`s my title. Again!
The wealth of weather. -Then we would be in deep shit, I mean deep water, heh, says meteorologist Andy Smythe at United Weather. The volume of water on earth is constant, but it is not evenly distributed. Some people are water billionaires and others dry out poor. It depends on water pr capita. Natures ecological system is unlike any man made. It relies on higher intelligence, not higher greed. Thats why the poor sometimes get everything.
Nation interest rate. -We feel sorry for them, says the Chinese ambassador while talking cheap with the Mexican consul. -They seriously need help to get their country back on track and we have the right tools. The problem is they don`t understand that our system is superior to theirs, so we use diplomacy and arrogance to pursue them and if they don`t lissen we`ll invade USA and install our own satellite president until the depth is payed. We where thinking about a chegro. Any suggestions?
Work recovery. -And we might find even more. If we`re lucky maybe we can employ a hole city! John, who became a archaeologist after seing Indiana Jones admits it`s boring compare to the films. -I should have seen Braveheart or All the Presidents Men. It`s a lot of waiting, digging, waiting... so I was quite surprised to find a job.
-Come to think of it, it`s been so long since our society has created any work opportunity, it might not be such a big surprise that the first person to find a job is an archaeologist.
Carb farm. -I thought this is what we escape from?! In Burundi everybody is on the low carb diet. Not cause they want to... It`s the only option on the meny. How can you select hungry if you don`t have to? I don`t get it. I thought you guys where developed. I might as well stay here where I come from.
Academy Cop. -Not Police Academy, Academy Cop, yeah, thats right. I`m playing Chief Inspector Nick Dolte and I`ll be your worst nightmare for the evening, a nigger with a mic, says Eddie Murphy. And check out my new flick Shower Heist, it`s about two guys who gets stuck in a shower. Then I have another one coming later with I filmed back in 2007 called a thousand something... fame flies.
Halloween 24-7. -I only get screams and slammed the doors in my face before I get a chance to say I`m a normal human being, just with an exceptional ugly face. On the inside we`re all the same, except for my liver maybe and some minor brain damage. Other than that I`m no different than those kids you for some reason choose to like. Freddy is also jealous that they can take off their masks whereas he is stuck with that mug all year long. -And it`s not getting prettier with age. I`m scaring myself these days. In contrast to others my nightmares begin when I wake up! I get one day a year where I can relax. I wish I could take off my face too when Halloween was over...