Sex engine. -We figured out that since most of our users search porn anyway, we might as well call it or what it is. We`re all humans, we all do it, so let`s just hang out and be honest about it. It`s earths biggest pimp machine.

Photo Aiyizo

Keith Richards book of the living dead

Jumping Jack Flashback.
-I couldn`t fit all the drugs in there. It`s only 564 pages. I also left out the women, we where thinking of doing a special Keith`s Yellow Pages where we highlight every broad I shagged, but the phone companies where afraid off all the angry husbands who probably would stop paying the bills. The book is mostly written by my dear friend James Fox cause I honestly don`t remember enough to write it on my own. Fox was there so he fills in the gaps. After I read the first draft I said to him, ah fuck, did I do all that? You can`t put that in there. We gotta sex down this. After 200 re-writes we got it boring enough for the mass market.

Photo Leahtwosaints

OPEC announce fatwa on electrical cars

The dirty dozen. The twelve members of the original Gangsta summit gives 10.000.000 dollars each in rewards for great contributions within electrocuting the electrical car. -We hate the idea of rolling electricity. We have a perfectly fucked up system inn place already. We don`t see any reason why we should re-place that with less corruption.

Photo Gomma

Justin Bever: -I was a sodaholic

Talks about his drinking problem. -My manager and him though it would be good for sales that I had an addiction, so he came up with soda pop. I`m a little too young for alcohol, but that didn`t stop me from being wasted. I used to drink 8-10 cans a day before I had to quit cause my pocket money didn`t allow me to. So I called my mum from the candy store and asked her for more money for fizzy drinks and she transferred 50 dollars to my account, but I had an image to maintain, so I yelled YOU F#&@ WHORE before I slammed up on her and told the clerk to call the Police. I filed a report on both my parents for child abuse and made sure plenty of media was around when I said music is therapy for me. I can`t afford a real shrink since my parents drink up everything I earn. Music is my only friend. It`s the only one who`s been there for me.

-Later that evening I kicked the neighbour`s dog and trashed my bedroom. Which is like the stupidest thing I`ve ever done, cause now my neighbours are really mad at me and my parents aren`t there to beat them up or clean up my room. I had to do that myself. I`ve newer touched a soft drink since.

Photo jake.auzzie

Late night with Barack Obama

Live from Washington D.C. White House studios annonce they will start broadcasting the show next term, after they win the election. The program, which will be on cable to avoid accusations of state controlled from the major networks, is set go up against both Leno, Letterman and Conan. How are they gonna survive this competition? -We got the best host. That guy can talk! We`ll get the best guest. Who else can give you Osama bin Laden? I mean, who else could... We`ll have segments like press the red button, meet the mess, Risk, truth or dare with CIA, who gets the electric chair? And if there`s nothing else to laugh at, there`s always politics:)

Photo BrokenSphere

Hired personal trainer to become mediocre

Designer body. -I looked in the mirror one day. It was one of those roof to floor mirrors. I was butt naked. I could see everything. I made the decition there and then - I wanna be mediocre. So I went out and got a gym membership with a personal trainer and I f#&% hate her man. She don`t get it. I want to look like crap. I don`t want that hot body. She just can`t get her head around it. I`ve newer argued more in my whole life. Sit ups is not how I get some belly. And what do I need all these weights for? I want a couch with a laptop hokked up to a 40 inch widescreen HDTV. Not fucking jumping up and down??? Anyone can do that. I`m here to build my body. Give me a freeking couch!

Photo Tony the Misfit

It`s only one thing thats worse than getting a disabled child, it`s getting a muslim one

Urban father. -We`re having a baby. I just hope it`s a caucasian, but it`s hard to say, she banged so many... says the father she choosed. -What are we gonna do if it`s a muslim kid? There`s no Koran schools to send him to - unless its a girl, then she can just stay at home. But what about the clothing, where do we get those Egyptian prince outfits? One month without food? Jesus, I don`t want the child welfare on my doorsteps. And those beards. What is it with those? I`m the man in the house, I can`t have my kid have more facial hair than me. I`ll be ridiculed. You know and praying 5 times a day. I can`t deal with that. Once a week is more than enough. Once a year is more than enough. And no photographs. Can`t use my digital camera or give him a six-pack of beer when he turns 16. No, I don`t think I`m up for it and it`s a bit late for abortion so if it`s the m baby, I`m outta here...

Photo Nina Matthews Photography

Fire at last

Burning love. Fire departments around the globe are fed up with the rising numbers of false fire alarms. -Man, I didn`t sign up for the peace corps. I want action, dead bodies and burning buildings. This is not hot. I`m not getting any pussy with all these false alarms. I look like a dork.  Maybe tonight though... this is pretty cool, says the excited fireman. at the scene.-You guys hungry? I got some frozen pizza in the firetruck. We could heat it over there. Fuuuk. Have you seen those screaming women on the 4th floor? Check out those boobs. I wanna fuck the blond one. Let`s have a wet t-shirt competition. HEY GUYS, MORE HOSE!!

Photo Brad Gillette

Unethical shopper

Made in China. -The other day I found out that the seamstress in Bangladesh only got 2 dollars for making the jeans which I paid 20 for. I went back to the shop and told them I want my 18 dollars back. I always make sure the clothes I buy in made in some low cost country. I keep 8 Chinese in my basement, in case I need to fix something. They came with the jeans actually. Lifetime warranty from Gangsta Gap. I buy all their clothing at Walmart. There`s something special about seeing the retailers being fucked in the ass just as hard. Yo!

Photo FALHakaFalLin

Israel -We`re killing everyone

Roadmap to war. -Fuck it. We`ve had enough. 62 years of this bullshit and now you make us the bad guys... motherfucker! Well, we got the nukes. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu says it should be enough to blow up the Middle East atleast 40 times, but their only doing it twice. -We`re saving the rest for the X-Mas party. Yeah! From now on we`re celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ in Jerusalem and whoever has a problem with that is gonna get an atomic bomb up their ass.

Photo Executive Office

News Corpse

I`m a sucker for news. He might not have nuclear weapons, but he got the power to make or brake presidents. And like Kim Jong-ill, he sure as hell got news for you the day he dies. With the wrong CEO we`ll end up with leaders like North Korea. So our future depends on him. If he makes the right decition, we will be safe for another 50 years, if not, it`s gonna be North Korea all over.

Photo  World Economic Forum

Two drink maximum

Back to reality. AA introduce a new two drink program for those who has successfully completed their rehabilitation. -It`s boring not drinking, life without it is like watching the flat wall instead of the flat screen. We understand this, you know, once you`ve tasted the goods... We like to think of this as an acceptance course. Okay, I`m not perfect. Okay, I might be an asshole. Okay, others might suffer from my ranging behavior,... but it`s okay. As long as I keep it under two drinks. Our records show that very few alcoholics get involved with the police after just two drinks. And the 12 steps program is not gonna work for those who do.

Photo Rich Anderson

Personal boyfriend

Rental man. -It lowers the risk, plus if it doesn`t work out, your free to change boymodel anytime. If he runs away, the payments stop and he understands this. There`s no break ups, only break downs and then you get 2000 dollars in scrappage on delivery. You can upgrade your boyrental to serious lover and husband or downgrade him to pool boy and disabled as you wish. They come with all necessities like clothing, job, car, apartment... you don`t have to nanny him. Kids are on the house, but parenting costs extra. Call WHOS-YOUR-DADDY now and ask for prices!

Photo Dagberto

The Chilean mine workers are attention diggers

Cry babies. -I`ve stayed inside my flat two months in a row many a time. It just newer crossed my mind to ask for the whole worlds attention when I go outside again - and I`m good looking! I`m shy about it, cause I don`t wanna get caught. But it`s really easy. Just fake a sick leave, download your favorite tv-series, buy lots of weed, open the window every once`i n a while, remember to recharge your dildo, call the pizza dude when you run out of food and your all set to digg yourself down in the coach. You`ll find water in the apartment, so there`s no need to worry out loud.

Photo David Urbanke

Swiss immigration is the only place where it`s an advantage to be bad

Photo Victor Velez
The bigger the better. The Swiss immigration program is causing migraine to the rest of the world as it only offer services for those who wish to live off independent income from activities outside Switzerland.

It`s like saying we`re only interested in you if your so fuking bad you had to leave your own country.  

Electric airplane

Get a load of this. The new el plane from Bang Company can fly three times around earth without landing, fill electricity in air from lighting clouds and accelerate faster than the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter with a top speed unknown to mankind. All while your eating a warm meal watching the latest inn flight movie from Hollywood. Like you give a shit if it was true.

Photo Caren's Photo Trip

The social selfwork

One person one dream. "Defining me, who? You?! You don`t know me!" laughs the facebook bitch as she ignores the outside world, "I am the universe, the creator, of my life, my friends, my social status, the past, present and the future. I am the chosen one!"... together with about 7 billions others who also think their rockstars. 
But why the hell not. If you get a second shot at life, why not make it the way you want it. After all, how many times do you get to play God? And when religions get away with it, what difference does it make?

Photo Ray-Franco Bouly

Beijing thanks Nobel committee for reminding them about human rights

What where we thinking?! Chinese authorities gratefully thanks the Nobel Academy for reminding them about the basic human rights. -We had no idea they where universal. We only thought that applied when we went abroad, not at home. How could it not cross someone`s mind in such a big country with so many people? -I guess we never thought about it. We don`t really think much here. The communist party does that for us. So yeah, thanks guys!


-I should have won the Nobel Peace prize

Chinese dentist. -I have never started a war. Never been in trouble. Never had problems adjusting to others. And never had any idea of what I want. I just follow. Yeah, that`s what I do, kinda like Forrest Gump. But now the 32 year old dentist is angry at the Nobel peace prize committee. -I`ve sleept away 1/3 of my life for nothing. Realizing being an ashole could have given him the award makes him angry, but he keeps it to himself. -I`m gonna play Warlord tonight and fucking destroy Norway.., if I ever get out of bed.

Photo JasonDGreat

Gay news

Pimp my news. Homo Box Office are launching a new all gay news service. -We figured it`s about time the gayers got their own twisted version. There`s as many puffs in the world as there are muslims, so why shouldn`t they when the muslims get Al Jazeera?! The news decorator tells us that the heavenly blue news studio will be redecorated with leather and the traditional weatherman will be swooped with a leatherman... arrgh!                     

Solomon Islands prepares for terrorist attack

Motherfuker! -We`re gonna get those bitches, screams the attackminister in the Solomon government. -We take these treats seriously. Maybe too seriously, but how often do you get to pull out the entire army with unlimited backup. Fuk, I ordered a hangarship this morning. It`s fuking bigger than the iland! I strongly recommend terrorists to not travel here, but they are very welcome. We have a special  recipient waiting for them...

Photo The U.S. Army

Tintin in court for cartoon hate

Courting with the enemy. The trial against the controversial cartoon character started today. Tintin is accused of fueling hatred against muslims with comments like all cartoons is animation, but not all animation is cartoons ... it`s just a fairy tale... it`s an ancient technology... He claims that cartoonists has to adjust to the digital age and make films like Pixar. The judge will read the verdict live on Disney channel and the Cartoon Networks` KIDS hour.

Photo Mulling it Over

Al Qaeda wants to blow up the moon

Lost. NASA recieved phone threats this morning saying that members of Al Qaeda will blow up the moon. -Just go ahead, was the dry reply from the space agency. -And while your out there, why don`t you try blow up the sun too, said an austronaut before they just hanged up on him and laughed.

Photo Philipp Salzgeber

-It doesn`t matter who`s the new leader in North Korea, they all hate a like anyway

Son of a bitch. Kim Jong-Il`s replacement will be selected in the near future, but it doesn`t matter who he chooses, says communist hater and pro USA screw the Middle East professor at Harvard University George Freedom. -Their all assholes anyway. Do you seriously think their gonna choose a guy who likes the West?! Give me a break. Even China is worried and their *#%& communists!. North Korea didn`t get the bomb to nuke China? Please, Kim will probably choose the biggest son of a bitch in the whole country - his own.

Photo NASA Images

Mexican doctor says it`s healthier to use drugs than try stop it

Drug Street. -People who try to prevent drug use die faster than those who abuse it. So, if you are faced with a choice, take the money and run, says the doctor who works in the Mexican Ford clinic. -If you think Wall Street is bad, wait untill you see Drug Street. Gordon Gekko wouldn`t last two minutes against their financial weapons. You either use, follow or get out of their way.

Photo colros

China reclame all goods ever made in China

Robbed in China. The Chinese government are nationalizing all goods whos made in China. The army is sent on a global mission to take back what is now "legally" theirs. Those who don`t want their doors kicked in by Chinese soilders, can pay a 100.000 dollar fine to the Chinese Authorities before the end of July.

Photo World Economic Forum